Things that suck this week
life school work being a bleeding girl being my boyfriend’s date to his frat’s installs. I hate Asian Greek Council. I am not exaggerating Being a C cup but size 4 Having to dress up while feeling gross and tired and awkwardly not socializing with a bunch of people I don’t give a shit about.
I really need to sleep earlier when I have work at 9 so I don’t rush to the office in the morning looking like death. My prof knows my life is a big messy joke. Although he probably figured that out first year.
I have the emotional control of a three-year-old. Except that I am literate (for the most part) and avoid hitting people.
I am simple and shallow. My anxieties and insecurities manifest in abusing myself physically. I’m not social enough to utilize controlled substances, but I can make do in my own ways. It’s seemingly impossible to pursue what you’re passionate about when you know that you will never be the best or meet the level conventional success expected of you. But you’re probably...
Last weekend I had a health fair (which was transitional for me since I’m directing next year), along with 3 midterms in the following days. I honestly tried to study as best as I could, avoided all-nighters, but still ended up pretty exhausted. I already know that for one exam I didn’t do as well as I hoped. At all. And although I’ve made so much progress towards keeping myself...
Because being in love has nothing to do with being able to make yourself happy.
It’s impossible to articulate how I feel after today. I can’t claim that things went completely wrong, but I just feel wrong. I don’t know to explain it. Even after the off-campus debriefing with the church we work with for last quarter’s health fair, setup for today’s health fair, and today’s health fair. I can’t deal with being around people for such...
I don’t know how I’m going to be able to put on 3 health fairs, fix how my health org is collecting data, be the only undergrad assistant for a journal’s editorial board, not fuck up my grades, and keep my boyfriend from breaking up with me from all my whining
I’ve been really down lately, but I had a study date with my boyfriend, a productive 5-hour publicity session in downtown LA today, and good runs at the gym lately; I feel so much better. I’ve finally gotten down to 3.5 miles in 30 minutes and my weight doesn’t go above 121lb. 5 more pounds to go! It’s just tiring, knowing that there will always be times when it will be...
I’m not even sad anymore. I’m just wonderng why I’m still alive
I once knew ways of seeing the world as a beautiful place too.
stop being so sad
Because being optimistic is impossible but I feel guilty for feeling so down all the time when I have so much to be thankful for. Winter quarter’s GPA was 3.9. I’m now a director for my organization’s 3 medical outreach health fairs next year, even if the stress might kill me. I love my hospital volunteering even though it has involved watching boys play video games for hours...
Finding someone with whom you are more compatible with, in a conventional sense; someone with whom you have more in common in almost every way, including family, religion, preferences. But never thinking even for a second that you could be happier with him.
Guess who is now a Health Fair director for Pilipinosforcommunityhealth ;______;
Free Trait Theory: the idea that while we have certain fixed bits of...– The Upside of Being an Introvert
I am not naturally skinny and do not accuse me of having a fast metabolism. I weighed at least 15lbs more at my heighest weight compared to my lowest weight. Do not discount the fact that I worked to get to where I am now and that I still want to lose weight. (It’s just fixing your metabolism, eating clean, and trying to stay active, try it). Your study habits do not make you a better...
WHY IS EVERYONE PRE-PHARM
Unless you’re doing for access to prescription drugs for illicit use why would you want to be a pharmacist. I mean does anyone sincerely want to be a pharmacist? Really?
I thought I was going to fail my organic chem lab class after missing one out two peer calibration assignments and getting 61% on my midterm (though the avg was 64%). I failed my first chem lab in 2011 and my organic chem lab grades were a C- and B-. I thought I failed the final miserably. And I got an A. My cumulative GPA is back above a 3.0. This is pitiful to most people, but this makes me...
This is a reminder to not give up.
I’m studying for my Asian Am class and it’s kinda trippy knowing where my family fits into all of this since my Dad migrated under family reunification and later joined the Navy, but under a trained division. My grandmother came to the US by herself to join her oldest son and my grandfather worked despite his elderly age to help everyone. My boyfriend’s family simply amazes me. His parents are...
When you know what it feels like to close your eyes hoping that you’ll never have to open them again but you do; and the light is paralyzing. Because your existence may be futile, but it is real. And it is both a relief and a disappointment that you do not have the tenacity to end your actuality.
It’s getting harder to calm myself down unless I’m hurting myself somehow.
I’m pretty excited to get started with my volunteering. I just have to get my badge and jacket; my screenings and orientations are complete. I like kids. I love pediatrics. And the Child Life Department here isn’t part of a large children’s community hospital. It’s relatively small and mainly for kids with transplants, long-term, chronic, or terminal illnesses, so many of...
Because falling in love with someone else will...
Miraculously got a spot in the Child Life department for volunteering at the hospital. After a few weeks of checks and trainings, I’ll get to play with kids every week! Possibly sick kids too, but from the stories I’ve heard, oh goodness my heart will break.
When you buy a dress for a really good deal online instead of writing your paper and then you realize that it’s UK sizing so you look up the dress sizing and you realize that you’re in-between sizes so it’s not too bad but you got the lower end of the sizing so you’re going to need to half-starve this week to wear it next weekend. but it was so cute ;___;
BSing my way through this 8-page oral history paper on my Dad kinda makes me feel bad because I’m doing such a bad job of writing my Dad’s migration to the US. It also makes me miss my grandparents because my grandpa went from farmer/carpenter to teaching himself to read/write/speak English to preach both in the Philippines and the US and then buying my dad & uncles their first car...
Yeah I don’t know why I’m up @5am either. But I do know that this chapter in childhood psychological disorders is boring AF.
When you’re so numb, you’ll settle with feeling anything to remind yourself that you’re alive; even if it’s pain.
I went to the gym for the third time this week, found out my BMI is down to a slightly-more-decent 19.4, made a healthy protein & veggie balanced dinner, and then ate half a pound of cat-shaped ginger snaps from Trader Joe’s. I still feel pretty good. Last night I had something of a mini breakdown with my boyfriend and he’s encouraging me to consider going to a therapist if...
oh don’t do that, you’ll bleed to death.
I’m excited to get a regular 20hr/week job this summer. Aside from the prospect of tips and coworkers, I really need more money. My parents pay for my rent & tuition (after decent financial aid) already but I can’t even cover my food when I just paid class fees and credit card (which is for textbooks only). Tonight I’m trying. I can’t concentrate on studying but at...
There's something in the water
I’ve been having odd encounters the past few days and I have a very boring routine of not having anything interesting to me for months This morning a man stopped me and asked if I did yoga and clearly I don’t so he said that whatever I was doing was very natural and becoming and gave me a thumb’s up. It would have made sense if he was one of the friendly Westwood hobos but he...
She had a nostalgia for a life she had never lived.– Nancy Lemann, The Fiery Pantheon (via frenchtwist)
OLPalooza! Fun night and although I’m worst with holding my alcohol I wasn’t the one throwing up. Also a reminder of how nice my friends are, and the friendliness of new acquaintances, especially after working together for a health fair. Aside from an awkward advance or too. But I should try to drink when my boyfriend’s around because I got hit on and I was out of a bit and...
I keep going in-between how nice it would be to just be dead and how complicated and not-worth-it the effort is to get there.
You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
Today a cute French 4th year double-violin-design-media-arts-major hit on me while we shared a table in the music library and I almost regretted that I have a boyfriend. Almost. But his accent was attractive and he started playing violin in Paris at 3-years-old. So I texted my boyfriend and he told me to hiss at the French guy like a crazy cat lady until he went away. And that’s why...
Because life is fragile and pain is only temporary.
Maybe some of us will never find what’s best for us. Maybe that’s not what we want.
Last week would best be described as sad. I don’t know how else to describe how I feel in those moments that seem to last for hours. It’s lingering, it’s heavy, and it can be pushed to be very back of my consciousness for periods of time, but never, ever forgotten. I see my boyfriend usually two nights a week, one weekend and the other a week night, and those nights are when I...
Because my roommates’ lives suck equally as much & my boyfriend’s more & I haven’t seen him anyway so I need to rant somewhere: I hate chem labs. I’m not sure how many hours it took me to fix those 16 pages of titration graphs and tables and tomorrow I’ll double check my calculations to get the last 4 pages of the write-up done. Then I need to do my the...
It may only be January
But I literally just realized that I am in my university’s graduating class of 2014. My undergraduate college career ends next year.
There are some things about myself I can’t explain to anyone. There are some...– Haruki Murakami, A Slow Boat to China
Spoke too soon
Today & yesterday did not go well. Sometimes I really don’t want to deal with anything anymore. My boyfriend saved my night and I enjoyed health site volunteering this morning. I miss my old roommate. When I’m alone sometimes I don’t know what to do and things seem so out of control. I’m thankful I have a friend like my boyfriend. I only saw him once for the whole week,...